Thursday, 4 September 2008

Russell Norman of the Greens was quite a hit... the recent meeting of finance spokesmen. Jaws dropped with Mr Norman's impassioned and succinct explanation of socialism and its benefits...


Look at it this way:

You go to the pie shop and realize that you only have enough money for one slice of pie. Then in walks Bill Gates who proceeds to buy all the pies and leaves you standing there completely pieless. Is that fair? Why does he get all the pies? Shouldn't he be made to share some of his pies instead of hoarding them all? Socialism says "YES, everyone is entitled to a piece of the pie! For now on, all pie shops will be under the control of The People, and The People will decide how to distribute the pies fairly and equitably."

Imagine a world where, instead of walking into a pie shop and hoping, PRAYING you have enough money for one itty bitty little piece of pie, you simply put your name on a waiting list for the privilege to go before a special committee, who will carefully determine how deserving you are of pie, and will then give you a slice of pie FOR FREE!!!!! Never again will anyone have to pay for pie, and never again will one man be able to hoard ALL the pie. No more will people compete to get more pie than their neighbour. Everyone will be entitled to exactly the same amount of pie, with the exception of the People on the Pie Committee, who will get extra pie because they wear party pins.

How do you get a party pin? Well, you have to join the Party, and that will cost you a fee of 100 pies. Then you have to be approved by the party leader person, probably me, and I don't like the shape of your fucking nose ! In fact, I think you're being greedy by coming around and asking for pie all the time when the People are starving in the streets. "I want pie! I want pie! ME ME ME ME ME!!!!" You are putting your needs above the needs of The People, and that just won't do. Your selfish attitude is harmful to The People, and you're the reason everyone is starving. It's because of YOU that there aren't enough pies to go around. The only way we're going to make this a perfect Socialist Utopia is if we put a stop to big-nosed, pie-stealing scum like you sabotaging the system! THE PEOPLE MUST BE CLEANSED OF YOUR DISEASE!!!! GET ON THE BOXCAR!!!! NOW!!!!

So the next time some right-wing extemist asks if you're a socialist, just smile and say, "I like pie".

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