Monday, 25 August 2008

Get off the couch you fat bastard...

How can you lose weight fast? Which sport burns more calories per hour than any other? Swimming? Jogging? Aerobics? In fact, it is none of these. The best sport for weight-loss, muscle tone and the cardio-vascular system is Running Away From Dogs.

Which is why we at the Sports Science Labs of the University of Nebraska invented the Tunnel of Dogs. It couldn't be easier. Simply wait in the tunnel till the dog appears, then run for your life. When you have completed the requisite number of laps a net comes down, ensnaring the hound and saving you from a savaging. Never has losing weight been so easy.

Send us details of your heart-rate, body fat and medical history, and our experts will select the right dog for you. The dog is carefully weighted to match your overall speed and fitness. As you improve, simply remove the weights and the dog becomes progressively faster. Before the dog is released it is put in a cage and taunted. It is poked repeatedly with a stick until it is absolutely livid. Then, and only then, is it released to chase you. With its snapping jaws only inches away from your arse you will run like never before, knowing that it will sink its teeth into your soft flesh if you slow down for even a second.

If you are interested in Running Away From Dogs write to Dr Herman Van Loon at the University of Nebraska, enclosing a doctor's certificate and your favourite tie.

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