Monday, 25 August 2008

Email to a gunsmith...

Dear Sir,

Could you possibly make me a high-velocity sniper's rifle, that could be disguised as a walking stick? It is for purely recreational sniping, you understand, and would not be used in acts of politically-motivated terror. I give you my word on that. I am not a murderer. Why would I wish to kill my fellow man, unless he was sinning?

Money is no object, but it must be accurate enough consistently to bring down sinners at distances of up to half a mile. I would never, I assure you, take up arms to smite my fellow man, without detailed and specific instructions from God our father, or one of
his angels. Woe unto the heathen on that day! The Lord shall dash them in pieces like a potter's vessel.

Please send me estimates on price, delivery time, etc. And could you get hold of some explosive-tipped ammunition (for the "right price", naturally)? If the worst came to the worst, and we were absolutely forced to liquidate a heathen, we wouldn't want to leave any ballistic evidence, you see.

But we pray it will never come to that.

Awake unto righteousness, and sin not.

Yours faithfully,


He replies:

Good Morning Mr. Hutton, It is refreshing to find someone interested in carrying on God our fathers divine work. I have designs for such a device as you describe and even have pictures of the first samples. I have been reluctant to build such a fearsome weapon because of its possible use. Having now found a true believer to entrust it too, I am ready to proceed. I am unable to scan the pictures to email them to you. Is it possible you could give me a mailing address and I will happily mail you my prototype pictures to see of this will meet your requirements. This is with the understanding you will return them to me. Jerry

I can't decide whether this man really is prepared to make weapons for an apparent maniac, or whether he has contacted Homeland Security and this is all an ambush. I'd better send him my friend Kevin's address to be on the safe side.

If you are bored, copy and paste the email and see if you can find anyone willing to make a gun for Sheikh Nasrallah or Saddam Al Infidel-Slayer.

UPDATE: Kevin has been shot by a SWAT team.

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